fucked
I’m not a good person. I mean it. I am a bad person. I’m the bad guy. But I dont want to be and its something no one here can understand. Everyday for me is a struggle to be good. To be that nice guy. I gave up once. I stopped trying to be that person. I didnt even give a damn either. Nothing changed when I made that choice. I have friends they saw no noticable change in me. I had just given up. I had said fuck it and I was ready to move on. I was joining the army. Just waiting home for paper work. I said it was to do map making but I knew the truth. I would be a good killer. I dont have many emotions. And when it comes to death I could give a damn. It happens. Wars happen. To serve the empire was good enough to me to stop trying anymore and just be what I was was good enough to me. I never meant to see her again I guess.
Let alone fall in love. I did’nt want it! I just wanted to leave but one thing led to another and 2 weeks turned into 4 turned into months now. And I said to myself just hangout with her you will get out of the house and thats what I did. I was at her house we where watching tv..cartoons of course thats her style. And we talked. About nothing. It has been a very long time since we had spoken almost two years. Since I broke her heart and in the process my own. Then I dont know I just put my arm around her and she leaned against me and I didnt want to leave anymore.
For the first time in my life I wanted to be a good person. Like she deserved like she told me she knew I could be. That was two months ago now. And it feels like everyone is against us. Her friends hate me and her family hate me more. I deserve it I know but it does not make it anymore easy. I am afraid that she will just say that she gives up and leaves. Without her I am not a good person. I have nor reason to be. I want to give up. I really do. I want to say fuck this and just go. Like what I was going to do.
But I wont. To easy.
